Harry Potter and the Alleged Soul Mates
by dukeofpoorplanning
Summary: Dumbledore tries (repeatedly) to convince Harry that soul mates exist, and that he has one. Harry's having none of it. Crackfic. Oneshot. Crazy!Dumbledore, sarcastic!Harry. Some language, mention of a broom cupboard.


**I do not, in any way, shape, or form, own Harry Potter**

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><p>Harry Potter was in something of a mood at the moment. He had been having a very enjoyable evening when he was summoned, rather abruptly, to Dumbledore's office. For what, he didn't know, but he could only assume that it boded ill. Knowing Dumbledore as he did, he expected nothing less.<p>

And he was quite correct.

"Please sit, my boy," Dumbledore said genially. "I'm afraid I have some rather upsetting news for you."

"What is it, Professor?" Harry asked, trying very hard not to sound annoyed.

"It has come to my attention that you have a soul mate."

"Soul mates don't exist, Professor," Harry responded dully. He had been arguing this point with Dumbledore for as long as they had known each other.

When Harry woke up in the hospital wing following his misadventures with the Philosopher's Stone in his first year, Dumbledore tried to convince him that soul mates existed.

When Harry had saved Ginny Weasley from the Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore had heavily implied that Harry doing so indicated that he and Ginny might be soul mates.

In Harry's third year, when Dumbledore tried to console Harry after Wormtail had escaped and Lupin had quit, he somehow managed to work in a question about whether or not Harry had yet found his soul mate.

After Voldemort was resurrected in Harry's fourth year, Dumbledore hinted that a quarter-veela would make an excellent soul mate, if only Harry had rescued one from the bottom of a lake recently. That had been a somewhat perplexing conversation for Harry, who was still rather focused on the fact that Voldemort was back to full power, and thus didn't entirely understand what Dumbledore was going on about until much later.

Worst of all, though, had been fifth year. Harry had been lead into a trap by Voldemort, a trap which resulted in his godfather's death. Harry, being a generally moody person, was furious, and the last thing he wanted to do was discuss the potential existence of a link between two people who were destined to be together for eternity. And yet, thanks to Dumbledore, that's exactly what he _did_ do.

And now, here he was, hardly five months later, being dragged into yet another discussion about soul mates. _Wonderful._

"Yes they fucking do!" Dumbledore snapped. "And you have one! Just accept it, Harry!" There was an odd smell emanating from Dumbledore. Something that reminded Harry rather distinctly of Trelawney.

"Have you been drinking?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Not important," Dumbledore snarled. "Now shut the fuck up and listen!" Harry followed the first instruction and happily disregarded the second. Much to his annoyance, the odd word would penetrate his mental defenses, giving him little snippets of the utter inanities pouring out of his headmaster's mouth. Something about finally having found Harry's soul mate, who had been right under their noses the entire time. Someone named . . .

"_MRS NORRIS?!_ Are you fucking kidding me, old man? She's a fucking _cat!_"

"Cats can have soul mates just as well as humans can," Dumbledore replied, sticking his nose up in the air.

"One, that isn't saying much, considering that humans can't have soul mates. Two, are you _pouting?_"

"_No_," Dumbledore pouted.

Harry put his head in his hands. When he next spoke, his voice was muffled, but still understandable. "I don't believe this."

"That is quite understandable, my boy," Dumbledore said, suddenly cheery again. "After all, a soul bond between a human and a cat is unprecedented."

"_Any_ soul bond is unprecedented!" Harry shouted, head jumping out of his hands. "_They don't exist!_"

"Perhaps you ought to spend more time with Ms Lovegood," Dumbledore replied haughtily. "_She_ could correct these rather foolish misconceptions of yours."

"Yes, maybe _she's_ my soul mate," Harry replied irritably.

Dumbledore, true to form, completely missed the sarcasm. "No, my boy, all the signs indicate that your soul mate is indeed Mrs Norris."

"Right, then," Harry said, standing up. "I'll just go find her, then."

"That shouldn't be difficult," Dumbledore replied happily. "Soul mates can detect each other magically."

Harry was sorely tempted to ask Dumbledore what his source on that was, but he didn't dare risk anything that could potentially force him to spend more time in the old man's presence. Sprinting down the spiral staircase leading out of the office, Harry couldn't quite stop himself from muttering, "bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell," the entire way down.

Unfortunately for him, somebody was waiting for him outside of the gargoyle the protected Dumbledore's office, someone whom he couldn't stop himself from barreling into. Extricating himself from the mass of tangled limbs, he helped the poor girl he had ran into to her feet. "Sorry, love," he mumbled as he did.

"Don't mention it," Sue Li told him. If she had been thinking, she would have expected Harry to leave Dumbledore's office at a sprint. "So what did he want?"

"To convince me that Mrs Norris is my soul mate," Harry deadpanned.

There was a full thirty seconds of silence before Sue could gather her thoughts to the point where she could respond. "_Seriously?_" Harry nodded grimly. "I . . . don't know what to say to that."

"That's more or less how I reacted," Harry said sadly.

"So how'd you escape?" Sue asked curiously.

"Told 'im I'd go look for 'er," Harry replied with a noticeable shudder.

They stood together silently for a moment before Sue started pulling Harry away by the hand, which she hadn't let go of since he had pulled her up. "C'mon, lover boy. You need to take your mind off this, and there's a broom cupboard with our names on it."

Harry sped up so that they were walking side-by-side and squeezed Sue's hand. He grinned down at her, already distracted from his soul-crushing meeting with Dumbledore. "You always know what to say, love."

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><p><strong>AN: Just a surreal plot bunny that popped into my head. I love crazy!Dumbledore, and I <em>despise<em> the whole "soul mates" cliche, so I figured why not kill two birds with one stone? I'm fully aware that this story isn't actually any good, so any suggestions on how to improve it would be welcome. I wrote this whole thing in about thirty minutes, and I only proofread it once, so it's probably terrible. The only reason I'm posting it as fast as I am is that I have a history of writing one-shots and never posting them, so I wanted to break that pattern. So yeah. New update for VTW soon, I swear! With that said, thanks for reading! Duke out!**


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